upset!

Yesterday evening, knowing that my in-laws' driver would not be reporting to work already sent moody messages to my brain...that meant that they would be home the whole day, and a meal together with the rest of the family is inevitable!!! sigh, what better way to send a dark cloud over my weekend, where I look forward to spend quality time with my husband and girls?

sigh, anyway, what was supposed to be a happy weekend, chatting with my husband through the night, turned into another tiring day...I was tired just thinking about having to attend something like that..I know it seemed a little exagerated, but well, that was me yesterday evening...glum, moody and lifeless....the fact that they can force unto me something that they want (me to attend such needless events) but something that I dread so much....I was lifeless knowing that I do not have authority to my own agenda, I only had 2 days free in a week, but they can just take it away like that....it made me feel less of a person with free will...sigh

thank goodness I still have my daughter, sho said, "just bring me mummy, i will accompany you" even though perhaps she would forget her patch with me once she is there, it was just the sweetness i needed.....anyway what happens today, I shall leave it to God....

I know they are selfish, but God help me not be selfish like them, my modds affect my husband and my kids, so please help me be selfless.....I give this day to You Lord....

yea though I walk....

I haven't been blogging as much as I would want to, not that my life has turned out the way I want to...but here I am, feeling as if I am still in the valleys...Well, maybe topographically the ground has heightened slightly, maybe it isn't that dark anymore, but I know I am not out of it yet.

A few nights ago, I thought to myself as things got worse between me and my adversaries...they were not on the offensive, maybe that is what gave me more foot on the ground, just that communication is down to almost zero. Its as if the valley does not hurt anymore, just that the weather has changed, it was getting colder and uncomfortable.
Why is it that 'change' is taking so long, why is it that God merely gave us a little eye-opener (the little light at the end of the tunnel) why is it that God still haven't showed us the job that my husband would be given or as a bonus, the house that we yearn for?

But God opened up a verse for me:

Psalm 4:3-8

"see how the Lord has made great his mercy for me, the Lord will give ear to my cry.
Let there be fear in your hearts, and do not sin;have bitter feelings on your bed, but make no sound
Give the offerings of righteousness, and put your faith in the Lord
There are numbers who say, 'who will do us any good? the light of His face has gone from us'
Lord, you have put joy in my heart than when they have when their grain and their wine increased.
I will take my rest on my bed in peace, because you only, Lord, keep me safe."


God, numb me from pettiness and give me a thankful heart to trust You. Help me keep my peace and spread it, heal me from the pain of bitterness and disappointment, renew me with your joy....amen

Holy Ground

Just as I was stashing the word 'rude' back in the closet, telling myself not to use it so often on my adversaries, it came jumping right out of its hiding place!...Today they came over to visit my in laws, and well the usual took place, the snubbing, my mil trying to be 'fair' and 'diplomatic' (but of course failing at all attempts, only to display her lack of maturity and wisdom in dealing with problem people; then again a huge part of the problem is her...) and all the blah blah blahs.
Anyway I was bringing out a plate of hot food from the kitchen, when my 'sis' in law, not watching where she was going, bumped into me. Of course before she could knock me entirely I cried out "Aduh! Aduh! Aduh!" (The indonesian slang of "Oh no!") Then she was shocked herself, so she braked, and the only thing that happened was my leg being hit. Of course, being raised in a normal way, I expected her to apologise for being the cause of the 'traffic accident' but then all I heard was some clicking noises made by her tongue before she walked away....what do you call that, a 'hit-and-run' or a road bully? I was completely taken aback, and so very simply I label her actions as RUDE...(it might be an understatement but God knows better...)

Not long after, maybe like 10 minutes after my mishap, she was carrying a bowl of soup from the kitchen, and 'CLANK' she dropped it together with all its contents, and so the poor two maids got to clean up again, and the guests were startled, and I have to re-cook the soup. However, I could see the humiliation on her face when I was the one who volunteered to re-cook the soup from my mil.. For your information, the place where she dropped the soup, was the same place she knocked me without saying 'sorry'....that's why I think God might have intervened, HE always defend His children, He would not let them be bullied. If so, then that same spot would be 'HOLY GROUND' right?....Whatever it is, just like any child who rejoices when the witch is defeated, when good prevails over evil....I felt like that. Thank You God:)

Just for the BIG GUY

I was so appalled today, annoyed and angry but then again slightly ecstatic cause I exposed someone's lie! Anyway, my mil is supposed to be recouperating (more like nursing her outrageous mood swings) and on a very strict diet. She chooses to still eat only porridge, (despite passing her one month anniversary ever since she was announced unfit), abstaining from tofu and all bean products, fried foods and such. Only 2 days ago, I cooked tofu for the family and then I asked her if she is able to eat tofu already, she said coldly, "no" nothing more. Ok I thought, I didn't want to ask in the first place but it seemed so critical that I did then, like the little voice in me saying, "ask her" So I did and I got my answer. It didn't bother me, I am quite used to her inconsistent behaviour by now.

Today, her other daughter in law, who strikes such similar resemblance as her, in terms of character and attitude sent some fried tofu over for her...guess what? Yup, she ate it, she ate one whole big piece. Of course I had to ask, "so you can eat tofu now?" she nodded, I could see her humiliation just answering my question. (Thank God, that means that she still has got potential for being convicted of her wrong actions, in this case lying! she was just snubbing me thats why she refused to eat what I cook for her.)

I was rather angry, but then now after thinking it through, I don't feel the anger anymore, just the sweet feel of victory...I can sleep at night, cause I tried my best cooking for her, and ensuring that she gets the best from me, but I don't think she can have her forty winks tonight....cause God gives rest to those He loves....(she just don't understand that He loves her too that's why)

I was just telling my husband about this and I told Him, that the only thing keeping my spit away from her food is my God....I do this for Him and Him only....and I can reap peace from it even though appreciation is not at the other end of the rod. Thank you Lord for the peace You have given me. I love You and need You so much in my life.

I love you Lord

Today, on my way back from work....we drove past the highway, it was around 6pm just when the sun was setting. I found myself face to face with an impeccable view of the skyline....the orange and red blends, together with the greyish background....and all the city lights just being lit up....it was beautiful...Such beauty reminded me of the Creator....how amazing the works of His hands are. Thank you Jesus.

I began to think about how the Lord has changed me as a person, I am far from perfect, I may not have come a long way, but I have covered some distance, I may still be weak, but I have found strength to pick myself up each time, I may still be afraid on so many occassions, but the confidence comes along whenever I reach a turning point. I can see now, though not that far away, of how I want to raise my girls, and how I want to live my life. It will be done with Jesus.
I have continually been amused and impressed with what my God can do, I am proud of my Jesus.

I am continually surrounded by negatives, by people trying to pinpoint my faults, by people who try to make little problems big, by people who boast at their ant sized achievements and yet hide your merits or take credit for something they did not do...all the politics, all the pretense, and all the hypocricy....if its not for my God, I would have broken down. However, today I thank Him for the peace that I have, for the love that I found, and for the friendship that I have kept along the way, despite my current situation.

After I pen down this, after I leave this family shelter (which is our bedroom) I would be faced with the undesirable again, the discomforts of a non-home, the stiff and reluctant conversations and the fake cordiality...but for now, I am thankful for my Lord Jesus Christ.

Proud of my God

The Lord has often said that the tongue is a small but dangerous tool that can be used to build or to destroy. I am saddened that this little tool is almost always overlooked by so many other religion. My mil is a religious person, perhaps the 'Martha' of her belief, but then again I do not think a 'Mary' exist in her religion....anyway she prays at the altar two times a day, but of course there is no two-way communication, it is all of her talking and asking for remedies and way-outs no other way but only HER way...don't you see it, how can we try and be God in the first place? That caused the fall of Lucifer....so you see, when religion do not encourage two-way worship....we should sound the alarm!

Coming back to her little tool...she uses it so conveniently, spreading gossip, telling lies, hurting people with really really harsh and crude stuff....and it has caused her own mess in the heart...I mean I really don't think by the look at it, she is enjoying beauty sleep. Shouldn't her god blow the whistle and tell her to watch that little tool, its definitely not building peace or spreading kindness!....

Anyway, I am thankful my God is the beginning, and yet so forward-looking. How on several occassions in the bible, He has spoken about watching our tongues, and all the negative things that come with it if you don't. I am thankful that God always tells me to 'cast my burdens' unto Him, cause only He would know what ought to be done, I am thankful that He places so much emphasis on learning His word and just communicating with Him, cause He knows that we need that direction from Him...I am thankful that He continually speak about keeping the condition of our hearts clean and healthy so that I may have peace and sleep (though not much), that things like regret, hurt, disappointment should not be a fixture but should be cast upon Him, all in all, I am thankful for MY LORD JESUS.

Let more know Him, then probably there would be no more wars, and there would be worldpeace!

No time for blogging

I think that very much says it all, sigh, I have to go down to cook now....I hope chores would not block out my blog.....hope to see you again my writing pad...