Men live one day at a time

These days have been rather slow, and a bit of a dread, perhaps its because of the knowledge that my husband would be away on business for ten full days, needless to say that includes weekends. Then again, cause I only have one nanny now, that means I work only half days, and would have to stay home with u know who for the remaining part of the day (adding to dread list). Anyway, I now seem to be contemplating the decision to take the girls to study overseas or remain in Jakarta....

The latter option seemed bleaker cause that means still remaining behind cell gates, the former is really like on probation cause we would be staying in their premises too, and borrowing their stuff. Then I checked my motivation. A large driving force of the move is because I am not enjoying my bunking days with them. However, should I go, it means that I would be seperated with my husband, and best case scenario is to meet him on the weekends only.

This seem a little disturbing now, thinking, u know, u marry a guy u love and decide to live with him till death do us part, only now, u want to make the sacrifice for your children's education. Is it worth it? It is a dilemma for us mums, being with your husband and being a good mum (trying to provide the best for your kids)...I really don't know, God help me decide.

Then I told him, why not we move out, nevermind the kids, lets just put them in international schools. Then he asked me an intelligent question, "what is it that makes it so unbearable to live here?" I dunno the answer to that, only, "hello, where have you been?!" I do not think I want to explain. He said that they are often not here anyway, I declined to comment.

I know, I would always remain at second place in the heart of a good son, and I do not want to battle for that position. I knew it from the start of our relationship, and I know it now, that nothing would change that. I love him so much, even knowing that this arrangement stands. I emphatise with him, for trying to do his best as a son. I have not complained and will not. Maybe my husband gets through this by living one day at a time. Getting by her hurtful comments and actions sometimes, and my sorrowful and smileless days. The next morning he woud still have too much in his mind still. God please help him and help us find a solution.

I don't know how long I will last, counting my days all the time. All the time thinking that we are actually human, empowered for change, it depends whether we want to take that step. So what if they say bad things about us, so what if they gloom over our remaining days with them....it the light at the end of the tunnel that matters. Freedom does not fall from the sky, it is fought for. Now I understand my position, that my marriage is not to him only, but his parents comes along. But I thank God for my children and I thank God for other things else in our relationship.
God, give me strength daily and help me sleep better, make me so tired physically that I cannot cry on my pillow no more. God please, help us.

A friend wrote in her blog, that whatever written in her blog must remain positive. I think I should also do that. So that negative memories are not etched in our hearts. So, for today:

" This is the day that the Lord has made,
I will rejoice and be glad in it"

we would be going to the mall today, going to cut our hair and spend a few hours flirting with freedom....