Despair

Its the holidays, and its supposed to be relaxing and merry, though its not Christmas, and lack all the festive spirit....but its an adequate number of days away from the usual hectic schedule.

It was ok when she was not around but then her presence seem like a purposeful effort to shun me. My cooking, my presence and any conversations that circulate around me as a subject is utterly rejected and sprinkled with magic powder that is supposed to either magnify my failures, or make my achievements to either diminish or preferably disappear. I must say although I should have known better than to take these to heart, it still hurts me.

My drive in life is to do my best in all that I put my hands on, and then God would do the rest. However, this time I must say that I did not expect such a 'payback' for paying my dues. And yes, I am disappointed and angry, but my anger is downplayed, maybe its because I am tired, tired emotionally of having to go through a whirlwind of emotions everyday. Tired of all the pretense and the hypocricy that I am faced to witness on a daily basis. Tired of unfair treatment and tired of living with a complete control freak who thinks that she is mrs know-all when actually knowledge she acquired is confined to a small scope and bias judgement.

I should not be too concerned, yes I tell that to myself everyday, God help me to expand my horizons, to look beyond the negativity and just fix my eyes on you. The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy and I do not want to be robbed like that God. Have mercy on me and help me get back what the devil has taken away from me, my peace and joy.

I cannot go through these alone, I need YOU Lord, cause only you can help David beat Goliath. Help me to overcome this Father. I dunno, if you think I should look upon this as a'Goliath' or someone insecure whom u want me to embrace. Either way, it seems really impossible for me to do Your will unless I have Your strength, so God please equip me with the needed tools to get through this. God, only You can be my shield, shield me from negativity and shield me from the weapons formed against me.

In Jesus' name, I pray and lay my life before You.

Amen.

Help my 'Home'

Yesterday as I returned home from work, it was the usual gloom day. You know to me, home has always been a sacred word..you go there to take shelter after a beaten day and its supposed to make you feel better. Well, I never ever had "my own home" like parents who get along and also a permanent roof over my head. In fact when I was younger, my parents fight almost everyday, otherwise they just shut themselves from each other. In addition, we didn't really have our own living room to share our stories or just to mingle and chit chat. We lived where my parents' factory was then, after my Dad ran into some financial trouble, we had to move into my grandmother's shophouse which we occupied the guest rooms. However, all the time when I was in Singapore, a concept of 'home' is built into me, one where you chat over dinner, celebrate one another's achievements and joy, mourn together and just take care of one another in small ways and big ways....and all those time, I stayed with people who had no blood realtions to me. I stayed with a 'mere' guardian. But I did long for home then when I had a tiring or upsetting day at school.
However, now, I feel more rested at work when u literally have to drag your butt cos its just been so hectic. Its just because everytime I get home, my mil just seems to not welcome my presence. She only speaks to correct me or to put me down, other times its just a face that u dun want to see.
It made me fell really depressed to a point now when all i can talk abt to my husband is the idea of moving out. When it just takes the whole life and energy off you...u become so tired to even chat and joke.....and i know its affecting my husband. God, please help me, please help me. I really dread this....
I become more and more upset seeing my husband sad because of me, but then just having the initiative to improve our relationship seem so difficult cos after that i bump into her, i get really upset again. The ups and downs in my moods really makes me feel like perhaps this is menopause. God help my family, help me look beyond myself, help me live life for those I love. Please Lord....its driving me crazy.....take us out from here.

No sweating

Yup, the title may say 'no sweating' but is crying allowed? If so, then perhaps I should cry my heart out and hope to feel much better. Anyway we had the proverbial pretense gathering yesterday and I was trying very hard to be a good co-host and one actively trying to make everyone enjoy the event. They were there and it was cordial at first because of much active hospitality on my part (it was difficult and to some extent heart-wrenching cause u have to face that cold and unfriendly face, and of course there is an attitude attached to it too). But everything went ok until the part when my mil said that my daughters quick learning is the by product of my then nanny! I was rather mad, not because she think so lowly of me and too highly of my nanny but because she assumed. I dunno what is it with her, everytime i am in the room with the kids, if she is around, she would leave immediately. Maybe because she has got other things to do, but maybe because she would otherwise feel left out cause my daughter speaks a diferent language to me than to her. Then when I confronted her she said "sorry (in an unsorry way) but i said it cause i have never seen u teach her before". Well perhaps iIcan see it as her narrow mindedness and shallow attitude or maybe she is just jealous she cannot teach kids that way, i dunnot but all i knew is that apology was all but sincere! And it hurt to think that she is like that. And she still say that we should watch what we say cause what we say can hurt people.
Anyway, her words kept ringing in my head and today I woke up even before my alarm rang, cause I am angry. Then when I watched my little one sleeping, I felt more relaxed and at peace...its like a small voice saying, "don't sweat it, it not worth it. Look at me, I need you." Then it tugged my heart and I am reminded of what our Lord went through, all the blaphesmy and all the mocking...all these even from his family and friends....what is my 'suffering' compared to His.
I want to live my life like it was my last, I want to give my energy and my time to those important to me. So God help me focus.
In fact what should be my concern is not my own problem but my beloved husband. When I married him I knew he was capable of great things, he is the type of person who have excess memory capacity and a sharp anylitical ability. I still think he is that person, but what is sad is, when what my mil does to my ego, she has been doing it to his for the past 30 years or so...so thats probably why my husband is unhappy. But I know God can help us, not to get back at them, but to be free....free in mind and spirit. I know we have to come back to Him, cause He is the one who really care.
I thank God that He always provide 'coming back' moments for us, moments that allow us to reflect on our lives and realise that this life is only worth living if He is significantly present.
I know now, I need to leave but I want my husband to be with us, I do not want him here alone.
God open the way for us please.....

A Whammy

I have been unblogging for the past few weeks, not because I dun have anything to thank about but initially, after learning that forgiveness is key, I was freed. I was so joyous, and I can even pray for my adversaries, think abt what they may like and such. I was planning a playground outing cum picnic and I actually wanted to invite them that Wednesday when it was Megan's birthday. However, the playground was closed for public, so we decided to try again that Saturday. It was not a feasible plan cause something unexpected happened. Something that made us sad. Well our adversaries attacked again and this time they did not come unto us, but the hand that feeds...It was heart wrenching to see the elderly stare blankly into space, weeping daily and the constant change of atmosphere. First the quiet then the shouts and screams... it was more than disturbing. My husband was with his family the next few days, I spend my time at work and eating lonely dinners. Not that I mind, but I shared the sorrow they felt, the betrayal and the disappointment and anger. It was during these times, that I told God, have mercy, please. Then we finally had time to pray together, that night, we pleaded with God to bring the prodigal son back and to give us a big heart, big enough to welcome them home.

We got news that they would come back on Saturday. God answers prayers. So that Saturday, it was meant for a heart to heart talk to clear the air. However, the 'VIPS' do not share the same thought. Perhaps they wanted to come back because it is a more convenient option. So they came home, apologised to the parents and that's it. No explanation or remorse, nor lecture from the latter, no warnings nothing. They merely swept everything under the rug, conveniently. My husband could not be there cause he had a meeting. So I came back....phew, strange, it somehow felt like what happened the last few days didn't really happen. That is how good some of his family members are. They could vie for the Oscars....but my husband wanted a seperate meeting anyway hoping that the relationship would last, but his parents think that he is the troublemaker now by initiating this. They conveniently said, no family is perfect, they would not be around for a long time anyway, in other words, just pretend to like them.....hehehheh cool. Is that the world's greatest joke or what. Well, anyway, their reaction got us to knock on heaven's door again, this time we let Him decide, whether or not a meeting would take place...if not close all avenues.
God has a way of anwering prayers, I dunnot whether to cry or giggle, but adversary#1 saved her butt by distracting parents so that kindness and leniency is shown...that she is expecting...WHAM! Thats a good one God. Now I get the message.....leave this to You huh.....yup I wash my hands....
Sigh, God please make us strong, You defend ok....we would trust You on this one. Save our sanity, enlarge our hearts.

A Milestone

Today is a special day. Our wedding anniversary passed last week, nope its not anyone's birthday, but today, exactly 11 years ago, my then boyfriend (who is now my husband) asked me to be his girlfriend. We were really young then, I barely started university, we only knew each other for something like 6 months but I guess we were both had something in our minds, we wanted to take each other seriously..looking back, I would not want to change a thing. We have been through a lot together, graduation, first jobs, moving to a new country, my parents' divorce, childbirth, post-partum complications among other things..there has been lots of ups and downs, but I really cannot recall much of those even though we consider them pivotal events. However, one thing for sure I just know that when we are together, things don't seem that bad when we turn at life's worser side and when we pass through the good times, it seem to linger....I really would not know what to do without him.
To mark this milestone, he gave me a tiffany anniversary ring, though slightly too small (we are going to change it tomorrow) I am ecstatic. Not because of its material value, but the fact that he even bother to leave for work much earlier, then travel all the way from the industrial area to the city (which is like a 1hr drive on a good day) to get the gift. My husband is not a shopper at all, I buy all his things...perhaps that is why it took him 11 years before getting me anything at all...:) but anyway, it was really the sweetest gesture.
Thank you Lord for my husband! Gotta sleep now, I am so tired, and I can hear him snoring in the other room, gotta go and put a 'Breathe Right' on his nose.

Touched

Last night my husband told me that he was going to use a new approach in treating our adversaries (those name-calling back stabbers). The current cold war does not reflect our motives sufficiently, this time he wanted to play an active role in showing love to our 'enemies'.
He asked me whether I was on his side, and he wanted to know what I thought. I did not know whether to laugh out loud or start calling my husband names too (just like what Job's wife did). However, I merely said that I will speak to him tomorrow...before turning in with a confused mind. Upon falling asleep I said a little prayer though, perhaps the littlest prayer I ever said. I said, "God make my heart right"
I have gone for numerous bible studies, read the texts, biographies of Christians who gave up much for The Cause and listened to umpteen sermons on "loving thy neighbour". Well I have gotten along with almost everybody and I don't think I have been offensive to anyone, so obviously it is no elephant task to love them cordially. But this is a funny one, you know it reminded me of what Mother Theresa said....'God carefully weigh and measure each cross before He let us carry it. He would never let us carry a burden that exceeds our abilities. But sometimes, I wish that He would not have so much confidence in me' It is probably flattering to think that God put these people around us, knowing that we CAN love them. Despite their inconsideration, malicious ways, scheming thoughts and that dagger they keep at convenience so that all those times when you are not looking....POKE! another bulls eye in your back.
Sometimes I feel so exhausted just ducking all the arrows shot at us that I tell God, "I know I have to love them, but then please empty my heart so much so that I am hollow, then let me just hang on to the tail of Your robe, then You can drag me. Cause following you seem like an impossible assignment in my condition."
Anyway, I was listening to Hillsong's 'Just let me say' when the start of the song goes, "Just let me say how much I love YOU, let me speak of your mercy and grace..." Then God spoke," you may not love them just yet, but you love ME, so show grace" Its like God saying, please do it for me. Then I wept. I wept cause I did not deserve His confidence in my love for Him. My love for Him is incomparable to what love He has given to me...but yet He seemed to be thankful for that. That little space my selfish heart has prepared for Him. I think I understand that, cause when my daughters show the least of affection to me, I am ecstatic. Maybe thats how the adversaries' parents feel, they are satisfied even with the little bit of 'right' they do. Whatever it is, God touched me alright.
So I pray, that God would enlarge the space of my heart, that I may love my adversaries. Then during the later part of the day, my thoughts wandered around the idea of organising a dinner party. Me cooking (edible food of course, no poison in their portion, Promise.) then maybe my daughter and I can make dessert. I will leave that to God, cause I still need Him to bless my plans. Please Lord, prepare my heart to serve.
Meanwhile, thank you for my husband and thank you for taking a chance on me.

p/s: men may see what you have (not how you get the things you have; either way those two are not important), but God sees the heart.

A Family Potrait

Today we all gathered at the photographer's for a family potrait. That is, my biological Mum, my bro, his wife, my sis, her fiance, my husband and my two girls. The day went as much as expected, with all the frills, cumbersome props an heavy make up. When my daughter saw my fake lashes, she said with her eyes wide, whilst staring at my eyes, "Mummy, how come your eye lashes touch your forehead, like Minnie Mouse?"
Then came the poses...it was excruciatingly tiring...trying to make someone with a stiff knee, heavy body (my husband) sit at the edge of the couch, or trying to prop my 9 month old baby to sit up straight and smile at the camera. Perhaps, climbing everest would be a more straightforward task! Anyway, we all had fun. Especially when my eldest daughter took to the limelight by posing and screaming "1,2,3 SMILE" before each shot was taken.
At the end of the day, you know its really these little occasions that make life a little lighter. I thank God for these moments..though rare and short...but I know that God is like my spare. When I feel tired, HE would take turns with me, carrying my burdens. Knowing this, I know I would still go on....Thank you Lord.