To Go

What had been in my head the past 3 weeks or so had been, "to go or no to go". Then I consulted family members closest to me, I spoke to my brother. The first thing he said was that if you really have to go, give thanks first for where you are now. In the bible, it says that married men ought to leave the house and start a new cell. This theory is beyond the acceptance of traditional chinese (non Christian) beliefs, they say that if you move out you are unfilial and perhaps even fit to be chased out of the house. However, living with the extended had me agreeing with what had been written. Maybe what had made it worse is the difference in our beliefs, in religion.
I fully agree that absence make the heart grow fonder...starting a family, building on a relationship, raising children and juggling all these with a full time job is challenging enough, and perhaps distance would preserve the relationship to some extent. At least they would not get to see the tired and emotionally challenged you all the time. In a positive light, they deserve to see your better side. So, in conclusion, my bro said that moving out is an option, it should not be viewed as taboo, if you look at it this way, you would realise that you are not in a pit, but the there is light at the end of the tunnel. However, must give thanks cos God is allowing us to stay here, despite the reccommended plan, so that we would be processed.

Mother in laws would always be different from our own mothers, I am glad I have girls. With real mothers, you can afford to be yourself without being judged, but not likewise with the former. Sometimes a display of what you feel can ruin everything. Why did our relationship become like this? When before, I treated her like my own mother, in fact sometimes the concern I show for her outweighs the attention I give to my own mum. The only thing I can think about, the turning point, is when I spoke back, telling her some of my thoughts. If I knew this would happen I should just shut up. Yes it hurts me that the relationship had turned this way. However, I learnt a lesson...do not be naive, not everyone value honesty. In addition, no matter what happens, your own mother would always be there. They would not say, "see, where in the world did you think anyone can replace your own mother" (maybe I would say that if this happened to my daughters) but she merely cried with me when I am sad. Telling me that I have to be strong for my girls and giving thanks for my husband. Now I thank God for my mum.
I am one who values honesty in every relationship, and I pray I would also have an open and honest relationship with my daughters.

Then I spoke to my mum abt my plans of moving, she said, it would be good for the girls and let me decide the rest. She said, abt leaving my husband, I should know better abt the relationship to be able to decide this. So I think, I would go, at least for now. It would be good for everybody, my girls, u know who, my husband (he can then heave sighs of relief rather than see the upset me, the changed me and concentrate on his job) and of course it would be better for me. To rediscover myself.

Men can plan, but if the Lord does not bless, it is all useless, so God, I pray that You would open the way, help us enter a new chapter, help us rebuild ourselves.

Men live one day at a time

These days have been rather slow, and a bit of a dread, perhaps its because of the knowledge that my husband would be away on business for ten full days, needless to say that includes weekends. Then again, cause I only have one nanny now, that means I work only half days, and would have to stay home with u know who for the remaining part of the day (adding to dread list). Anyway, I now seem to be contemplating the decision to take the girls to study overseas or remain in Jakarta....

The latter option seemed bleaker cause that means still remaining behind cell gates, the former is really like on probation cause we would be staying in their premises too, and borrowing their stuff. Then I checked my motivation. A large driving force of the move is because I am not enjoying my bunking days with them. However, should I go, it means that I would be seperated with my husband, and best case scenario is to meet him on the weekends only.

This seem a little disturbing now, thinking, u know, u marry a guy u love and decide to live with him till death do us part, only now, u want to make the sacrifice for your children's education. Is it worth it? It is a dilemma for us mums, being with your husband and being a good mum (trying to provide the best for your kids)...I really don't know, God help me decide.

Then I told him, why not we move out, nevermind the kids, lets just put them in international schools. Then he asked me an intelligent question, "what is it that makes it so unbearable to live here?" I dunno the answer to that, only, "hello, where have you been?!" I do not think I want to explain. He said that they are often not here anyway, I declined to comment.

I know, I would always remain at second place in the heart of a good son, and I do not want to battle for that position. I knew it from the start of our relationship, and I know it now, that nothing would change that. I love him so much, even knowing that this arrangement stands. I emphatise with him, for trying to do his best as a son. I have not complained and will not. Maybe my husband gets through this by living one day at a time. Getting by her hurtful comments and actions sometimes, and my sorrowful and smileless days. The next morning he woud still have too much in his mind still. God please help him and help us find a solution.

I don't know how long I will last, counting my days all the time. All the time thinking that we are actually human, empowered for change, it depends whether we want to take that step. So what if they say bad things about us, so what if they gloom over our remaining days with them....it the light at the end of the tunnel that matters. Freedom does not fall from the sky, it is fought for. Now I understand my position, that my marriage is not to him only, but his parents comes along. But I thank God for my children and I thank God for other things else in our relationship.
God, give me strength daily and help me sleep better, make me so tired physically that I cannot cry on my pillow no more. God please, help us.

A friend wrote in her blog, that whatever written in her blog must remain positive. I think I should also do that. So that negative memories are not etched in our hearts. So, for today:

" This is the day that the Lord has made,
I will rejoice and be glad in it"

we would be going to the mall today, going to cut our hair and spend a few hours flirting with freedom....

The reason behind

Hah! Today I purposefully left my laptop 'lying' around, knowing our adversaries would be there, and hopefully they would not just mind their own business but dig into what's inside my computer...perhaps, 'incidentally' tumbling into my blog.... hehhe but when I checked my history, nope, they dun seem to have stumbled in here. Sigh.

They might think that they would have founded treasure, should they find this blogspot, cause I treat this space like my basin, I vomit out all my feelings, hoping that it would then clear my system, so I would be ready to face a tomorrow....but think again, why post it on the web if you dun wan anyone to read this? hmmmm....to me all these things need to be out in the open, cause all the pretense have been too intense and concentrated. To me, this should not be shouted out loud on the hilltops, but on a podium...not to an audience of the sea or ocean, but to knowing humans......as loud as I want to also tell people about "JUJANTY" :)

Goodnight.

Despair

Its the holidays, and its supposed to be relaxing and merry, though its not Christmas, and lack all the festive spirit....but its an adequate number of days away from the usual hectic schedule.

It was ok when she was not around but then her presence seem like a purposeful effort to shun me. My cooking, my presence and any conversations that circulate around me as a subject is utterly rejected and sprinkled with magic powder that is supposed to either magnify my failures, or make my achievements to either diminish or preferably disappear. I must say although I should have known better than to take these to heart, it still hurts me.

My drive in life is to do my best in all that I put my hands on, and then God would do the rest. However, this time I must say that I did not expect such a 'payback' for paying my dues. And yes, I am disappointed and angry, but my anger is downplayed, maybe its because I am tired, tired emotionally of having to go through a whirlwind of emotions everyday. Tired of all the pretense and the hypocricy that I am faced to witness on a daily basis. Tired of unfair treatment and tired of living with a complete control freak who thinks that she is mrs know-all when actually knowledge she acquired is confined to a small scope and bias judgement.

I should not be too concerned, yes I tell that to myself everyday, God help me to expand my horizons, to look beyond the negativity and just fix my eyes on you. The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy and I do not want to be robbed like that God. Have mercy on me and help me get back what the devil has taken away from me, my peace and joy.

I cannot go through these alone, I need YOU Lord, cause only you can help David beat Goliath. Help me to overcome this Father. I dunno, if you think I should look upon this as a'Goliath' or someone insecure whom u want me to embrace. Either way, it seems really impossible for me to do Your will unless I have Your strength, so God please equip me with the needed tools to get through this. God, only You can be my shield, shield me from negativity and shield me from the weapons formed against me.

In Jesus' name, I pray and lay my life before You.

Amen.

Help my 'Home'

Yesterday as I returned home from work, it was the usual gloom day. You know to me, home has always been a sacred word..you go there to take shelter after a beaten day and its supposed to make you feel better. Well, I never ever had "my own home" like parents who get along and also a permanent roof over my head. In fact when I was younger, my parents fight almost everyday, otherwise they just shut themselves from each other. In addition, we didn't really have our own living room to share our stories or just to mingle and chit chat. We lived where my parents' factory was then, after my Dad ran into some financial trouble, we had to move into my grandmother's shophouse which we occupied the guest rooms. However, all the time when I was in Singapore, a concept of 'home' is built into me, one where you chat over dinner, celebrate one another's achievements and joy, mourn together and just take care of one another in small ways and big ways....and all those time, I stayed with people who had no blood realtions to me. I stayed with a 'mere' guardian. But I did long for home then when I had a tiring or upsetting day at school.
However, now, I feel more rested at work when u literally have to drag your butt cos its just been so hectic. Its just because everytime I get home, my mil just seems to not welcome my presence. She only speaks to correct me or to put me down, other times its just a face that u dun want to see.
It made me fell really depressed to a point now when all i can talk abt to my husband is the idea of moving out. When it just takes the whole life and energy off you...u become so tired to even chat and joke.....and i know its affecting my husband. God, please help me, please help me. I really dread this....
I become more and more upset seeing my husband sad because of me, but then just having the initiative to improve our relationship seem so difficult cos after that i bump into her, i get really upset again. The ups and downs in my moods really makes me feel like perhaps this is menopause. God help my family, help me look beyond myself, help me live life for those I love. Please Lord....its driving me crazy.....take us out from here.

No sweating

Yup, the title may say 'no sweating' but is crying allowed? If so, then perhaps I should cry my heart out and hope to feel much better. Anyway we had the proverbial pretense gathering yesterday and I was trying very hard to be a good co-host and one actively trying to make everyone enjoy the event. They were there and it was cordial at first because of much active hospitality on my part (it was difficult and to some extent heart-wrenching cause u have to face that cold and unfriendly face, and of course there is an attitude attached to it too). But everything went ok until the part when my mil said that my daughters quick learning is the by product of my then nanny! I was rather mad, not because she think so lowly of me and too highly of my nanny but because she assumed. I dunno what is it with her, everytime i am in the room with the kids, if she is around, she would leave immediately. Maybe because she has got other things to do, but maybe because she would otherwise feel left out cause my daughter speaks a diferent language to me than to her. Then when I confronted her she said "sorry (in an unsorry way) but i said it cause i have never seen u teach her before". Well perhaps iIcan see it as her narrow mindedness and shallow attitude or maybe she is just jealous she cannot teach kids that way, i dunnot but all i knew is that apology was all but sincere! And it hurt to think that she is like that. And she still say that we should watch what we say cause what we say can hurt people.
Anyway, her words kept ringing in my head and today I woke up even before my alarm rang, cause I am angry. Then when I watched my little one sleeping, I felt more relaxed and at peace...its like a small voice saying, "don't sweat it, it not worth it. Look at me, I need you." Then it tugged my heart and I am reminded of what our Lord went through, all the blaphesmy and all the mocking...all these even from his family and friends....what is my 'suffering' compared to His.
I want to live my life like it was my last, I want to give my energy and my time to those important to me. So God help me focus.
In fact what should be my concern is not my own problem but my beloved husband. When I married him I knew he was capable of great things, he is the type of person who have excess memory capacity and a sharp anylitical ability. I still think he is that person, but what is sad is, when what my mil does to my ego, she has been doing it to his for the past 30 years or so...so thats probably why my husband is unhappy. But I know God can help us, not to get back at them, but to be free....free in mind and spirit. I know we have to come back to Him, cause He is the one who really care.
I thank God that He always provide 'coming back' moments for us, moments that allow us to reflect on our lives and realise that this life is only worth living if He is significantly present.
I know now, I need to leave but I want my husband to be with us, I do not want him here alone.
God open the way for us please.....

A Whammy

I have been unblogging for the past few weeks, not because I dun have anything to thank about but initially, after learning that forgiveness is key, I was freed. I was so joyous, and I can even pray for my adversaries, think abt what they may like and such. I was planning a playground outing cum picnic and I actually wanted to invite them that Wednesday when it was Megan's birthday. However, the playground was closed for public, so we decided to try again that Saturday. It was not a feasible plan cause something unexpected happened. Something that made us sad. Well our adversaries attacked again and this time they did not come unto us, but the hand that feeds...It was heart wrenching to see the elderly stare blankly into space, weeping daily and the constant change of atmosphere. First the quiet then the shouts and screams... it was more than disturbing. My husband was with his family the next few days, I spend my time at work and eating lonely dinners. Not that I mind, but I shared the sorrow they felt, the betrayal and the disappointment and anger. It was during these times, that I told God, have mercy, please. Then we finally had time to pray together, that night, we pleaded with God to bring the prodigal son back and to give us a big heart, big enough to welcome them home.

We got news that they would come back on Saturday. God answers prayers. So that Saturday, it was meant for a heart to heart talk to clear the air. However, the 'VIPS' do not share the same thought. Perhaps they wanted to come back because it is a more convenient option. So they came home, apologised to the parents and that's it. No explanation or remorse, nor lecture from the latter, no warnings nothing. They merely swept everything under the rug, conveniently. My husband could not be there cause he had a meeting. So I came back....phew, strange, it somehow felt like what happened the last few days didn't really happen. That is how good some of his family members are. They could vie for the Oscars....but my husband wanted a seperate meeting anyway hoping that the relationship would last, but his parents think that he is the troublemaker now by initiating this. They conveniently said, no family is perfect, they would not be around for a long time anyway, in other words, just pretend to like them.....hehehheh cool. Is that the world's greatest joke or what. Well, anyway, their reaction got us to knock on heaven's door again, this time we let Him decide, whether or not a meeting would take place...if not close all avenues.
God has a way of anwering prayers, I dunnot whether to cry or giggle, but adversary#1 saved her butt by distracting parents so that kindness and leniency is shown...that she is expecting...WHAM! Thats a good one God. Now I get the message.....leave this to You huh.....yup I wash my hands....
Sigh, God please make us strong, You defend ok....we would trust You on this one. Save our sanity, enlarge our hearts.