Today is a special day. Our wedding anniversary passed last week, nope its not anyone's birthday, but today, exactly 11 years ago, my then boyfriend (who is now my husband) asked me to be his girlfriend. We were really young then, I barely started university, we only knew each other for something like 6 months but I guess we were both had something in our minds, we wanted to take each other seriously..looking back, I would not want to change a thing. We have been through a lot together, graduation, first jobs, moving to a new country, my parents' divorce, childbirth, post-partum complications among other things..there has been lots of ups and downs, but I really cannot recall much of those even though we consider them pivotal events. However, one thing for sure I just know that when we are together, things don't seem that bad when we turn at life's worser side and when we pass through the good times, it seem to linger....I really would not know what to do without him.
To mark this milestone, he gave me a tiffany anniversary ring, though slightly too small (we are going to change it tomorrow) I am ecstatic. Not because of its material value, but the fact that he even bother to leave for work much earlier, then travel all the way from the industrial area to the city (which is like a 1hr drive on a good day) to get the gift. My husband is not a shopper at all, I buy all his things...perhaps that is why it took him 11 years before getting me anything at all...:) but anyway, it was really the sweetest gesture.
Thank you Lord for my husband! Gotta sleep now, I am so tired, and I can hear him snoring in the other room, gotta go and put a 'Breathe Right' on his nose.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Touched
Last night my husband told me that he was going to use a new approach in treating our adversaries (those name-calling back stabbers). The current cold war does not reflect our motives sufficiently, this time he wanted to play an active role in showing love to our 'enemies'.
He asked me whether I was on his side, and he wanted to know what I thought. I did not know whether to laugh out loud or start calling my husband names too (just like what Job's wife did). However, I merely said that I will speak to him tomorrow...before turning in with a confused mind. Upon falling asleep I said a little prayer though, perhaps the littlest prayer I ever said. I said, "God make my heart right"
I have gone for numerous bible studies, read the texts, biographies of Christians who gave up much for The Cause and listened to umpteen sermons on "loving thy neighbour". Well I have gotten along with almost everybody and I don't think I have been offensive to anyone, so obviously it is no elephant task to love them cordially. But this is a funny one, you know it reminded me of what Mother Theresa said....'God carefully weigh and measure each cross before He let us carry it. He would never let us carry a burden that exceeds our abilities. But sometimes, I wish that He would not have so much confidence in me' It is probably flattering to think that God put these people around us, knowing that we CAN love them. Despite their inconsideration, malicious ways, scheming thoughts and that dagger they keep at convenience so that all those times when you are not looking....POKE! another bulls eye in your back.
Sometimes I feel so exhausted just ducking all the arrows shot at us that I tell God, "I know I have to love them, but then please empty my heart so much so that I am hollow, then let me just hang on to the tail of Your robe, then You can drag me. Cause following you seem like an impossible assignment in my condition."
Anyway, I was listening to Hillsong's 'Just let me say' when the start of the song goes, "Just let me say how much I love YOU, let me speak of your mercy and grace..." Then God spoke," you may not love them just yet, but you love ME, so show grace" Its like God saying, please do it for me. Then I wept. I wept cause I did not deserve His confidence in my love for Him. My love for Him is incomparable to what love He has given to me...but yet He seemed to be thankful for that. That little space my selfish heart has prepared for Him. I think I understand that, cause when my daughters show the least of affection to me, I am ecstatic. Maybe thats how the adversaries' parents feel, they are satisfied even with the little bit of 'right' they do. Whatever it is, God touched me alright.
So I pray, that God would enlarge the space of my heart, that I may love my adversaries. Then during the later part of the day, my thoughts wandered around the idea of organising a dinner party. Me cooking (edible food of course, no poison in their portion, Promise.) then maybe my daughter and I can make dessert. I will leave that to God, cause I still need Him to bless my plans. Please Lord, prepare my heart to serve.
Meanwhile, thank you for my husband and thank you for taking a chance on me.
p/s: men may see what you have (not how you get the things you have; either way those two are not important), but God sees the heart.
He asked me whether I was on his side, and he wanted to know what I thought. I did not know whether to laugh out loud or start calling my husband names too (just like what Job's wife did). However, I merely said that I will speak to him tomorrow...before turning in with a confused mind. Upon falling asleep I said a little prayer though, perhaps the littlest prayer I ever said. I said, "God make my heart right"
I have gone for numerous bible studies, read the texts, biographies of Christians who gave up much for The Cause and listened to umpteen sermons on "loving thy neighbour". Well I have gotten along with almost everybody and I don't think I have been offensive to anyone, so obviously it is no elephant task to love them cordially. But this is a funny one, you know it reminded me of what Mother Theresa said....'God carefully weigh and measure each cross before He let us carry it. He would never let us carry a burden that exceeds our abilities. But sometimes, I wish that He would not have so much confidence in me' It is probably flattering to think that God put these people around us, knowing that we CAN love them. Despite their inconsideration, malicious ways, scheming thoughts and that dagger they keep at convenience so that all those times when you are not looking....POKE! another bulls eye in your back.
Sometimes I feel so exhausted just ducking all the arrows shot at us that I tell God, "I know I have to love them, but then please empty my heart so much so that I am hollow, then let me just hang on to the tail of Your robe, then You can drag me. Cause following you seem like an impossible assignment in my condition."
Anyway, I was listening to Hillsong's 'Just let me say' when the start of the song goes, "Just let me say how much I love YOU, let me speak of your mercy and grace..." Then God spoke," you may not love them just yet, but you love ME, so show grace" Its like God saying, please do it for me. Then I wept. I wept cause I did not deserve His confidence in my love for Him. My love for Him is incomparable to what love He has given to me...but yet He seemed to be thankful for that. That little space my selfish heart has prepared for Him. I think I understand that, cause when my daughters show the least of affection to me, I am ecstatic. Maybe thats how the adversaries' parents feel, they are satisfied even with the little bit of 'right' they do. Whatever it is, God touched me alright.
So I pray, that God would enlarge the space of my heart, that I may love my adversaries. Then during the later part of the day, my thoughts wandered around the idea of organising a dinner party. Me cooking (edible food of course, no poison in their portion, Promise.) then maybe my daughter and I can make dessert. I will leave that to God, cause I still need Him to bless my plans. Please Lord, prepare my heart to serve.
Meanwhile, thank you for my husband and thank you for taking a chance on me.
p/s: men may see what you have (not how you get the things you have; either way those two are not important), but God sees the heart.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
A Family Potrait
Today we all gathered at the photographer's for a family potrait. That is, my biological Mum, my bro, his wife, my sis, her fiance, my husband and my two girls. The day went as much as expected, with all the frills, cumbersome props an heavy make up. When my daughter saw my fake lashes, she said with her eyes wide, whilst staring at my eyes, "Mummy, how come your eye lashes touch your forehead, like Minnie Mouse?"
Then came the poses...it was excruciatingly tiring...trying to make someone with a stiff knee, heavy body (my husband) sit at the edge of the couch, or trying to prop my 9 month old baby to sit up straight and smile at the camera. Perhaps, climbing everest would be a more straightforward task! Anyway, we all had fun. Especially when my eldest daughter took to the limelight by posing and screaming "1,2,3 SMILE" before each shot was taken.
At the end of the day, you know its really these little occasions that make life a little lighter. I thank God for these moments..though rare and short...but I know that God is like my spare. When I feel tired, HE would take turns with me, carrying my burdens. Knowing this, I know I would still go on....Thank you Lord.
Then came the poses...it was excruciatingly tiring...trying to make someone with a stiff knee, heavy body (my husband) sit at the edge of the couch, or trying to prop my 9 month old baby to sit up straight and smile at the camera. Perhaps, climbing everest would be a more straightforward task! Anyway, we all had fun. Especially when my eldest daughter took to the limelight by posing and screaming "1,2,3 SMILE" before each shot was taken.
At the end of the day, you know its really these little occasions that make life a little lighter. I thank God for these moments..though rare and short...but I know that God is like my spare. When I feel tired, HE would take turns with me, carrying my burdens. Knowing this, I know I would still go on....Thank you Lord.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
An affirmation
Home is supposed to be where the heart is, you think of phrases like 'home sweet home' when the subject comes to mind. We fail to remember that it is not the structure of the house, its contents or its comforts that warms the heart...only, the members of it.
Very often after a long day at work, I long to go home. But something tugs the heart, telling me again to think again. Is my husband back yet? Would my children be sleeping or eating now (if so, then they have to be left undisturbed)? Who would I have to face at home? Someone who is welcoming or a volcano waiting to erupt? A restless character waiting to be provoked and hence flaring its mass fury? Whatever it is, it is best to wait. To wait till you are sure there is someone there who genuinely care about you. That is what makes home a place worth going back to.
I was to go to work in the morning yesterday, my daughter who is now almost three is very familiar with my routines. When I stopped to say goodbye to her, she said "Mummy, you cannot go to work anymore. Because I want to be with you for a long long time" I was touched, knowing the fact that someone truly valued my company for what it is. I am no clown, I do not come home with rewards everyday for her, but yet this beautiful young girl is longing for me, actually yearning for my return every evening and dreading my departure every morning. Who am I, that deserved such treatment from someone so pure and innocent, someone whom God said, "Let them (children) come to Me".Now, that is my reason for being home. Thank you Lord for my daughters. I see the light now.
Then, at home yesterday, while going up the steps, I walked with my husband. He held my hand. It felt warm, firm and certain. Then I am affirmed that he would always be there with me, despite all the persecution, all the ice from the 'cold war', he would be there with the warmth that I need. You know how sometimes, a firm handshake can 'wake' you, and motivates you? A firm handshake from a person passionate for life can sometimes revive your jaded attitude, now that is what I meant. Perhaps that was what I needed then, that simple touch.
Thank you Lord for my husband. Thank you Lord for being there in the midst of difficulties, that even thought the adversaries make up the majority, I know I have strong allies.
Very often after a long day at work, I long to go home. But something tugs the heart, telling me again to think again. Is my husband back yet? Would my children be sleeping or eating now (if so, then they have to be left undisturbed)? Who would I have to face at home? Someone who is welcoming or a volcano waiting to erupt? A restless character waiting to be provoked and hence flaring its mass fury? Whatever it is, it is best to wait. To wait till you are sure there is someone there who genuinely care about you. That is what makes home a place worth going back to.
I was to go to work in the morning yesterday, my daughter who is now almost three is very familiar with my routines. When I stopped to say goodbye to her, she said "Mummy, you cannot go to work anymore. Because I want to be with you for a long long time" I was touched, knowing the fact that someone truly valued my company for what it is. I am no clown, I do not come home with rewards everyday for her, but yet this beautiful young girl is longing for me, actually yearning for my return every evening and dreading my departure every morning. Who am I, that deserved such treatment from someone so pure and innocent, someone whom God said, "Let them (children) come to Me".Now, that is my reason for being home. Thank you Lord for my daughters. I see the light now.
Then, at home yesterday, while going up the steps, I walked with my husband. He held my hand. It felt warm, firm and certain. Then I am affirmed that he would always be there with me, despite all the persecution, all the ice from the 'cold war', he would be there with the warmth that I need. You know how sometimes, a firm handshake can 'wake' you, and motivates you? A firm handshake from a person passionate for life can sometimes revive your jaded attitude, now that is what I meant. Perhaps that was what I needed then, that simple touch.
Thank you Lord for my husband. Thank you Lord for being there in the midst of difficulties, that even thought the adversaries make up the majority, I know I have strong allies.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
My Life
Today is the day I got my hand at writing again. In the past before my boyfriend became my husband, and before the One up there gave us two beautiful girls, I penned my life on paper. It gave clarity and much space for introspection, and almost always get me to heave sighs of relief. Relieved by the fact that God never gives up on you. Relieved that there is still an empty page behind, hence knowing that it is not the end of the road just yet. Hence, Relieved, knowing that there is hope for a better day.
Now, I need to lay my life out more than before. Eversince we got married, we moved back to Jakarta. Yes, this is my birthplace alright, but I have never stayed in Jakarta longer than 2 months in one stretch. Besides, I have never studied the language, and never ventured out further than the malls. It is intimidating then when we decide to move, but I was with the person I love, so I took the big step. Everything changed, my friends, my house, my job, and the way I live my life.
It is difficult and often emotionally stressful as the people around you may not show empathy even when you need it most. It got to a point when every night you sleep on a wet pillow and the idea of running away seem so vivid and so likely. Despite all these, I still see the fruit of my labour. The love and support of my husband and the joyful light moments my daughters bring. Thank you Lord for my family. I will not want to change anything, If I did, I may not have them today.
A big part of my motivation in writing this blog is to give me the discipline to give thanks to the Lord for my life. The past 4 years eversince I came here, it is all about complaining...
Now, I need to lay my life out more than before. Eversince we got married, we moved back to Jakarta. Yes, this is my birthplace alright, but I have never stayed in Jakarta longer than 2 months in one stretch. Besides, I have never studied the language, and never ventured out further than the malls. It is intimidating then when we decide to move, but I was with the person I love, so I took the big step. Everything changed, my friends, my house, my job, and the way I live my life.
It is difficult and often emotionally stressful as the people around you may not show empathy even when you need it most. It got to a point when every night you sleep on a wet pillow and the idea of running away seem so vivid and so likely. Despite all these, I still see the fruit of my labour. The love and support of my husband and the joyful light moments my daughters bring. Thank you Lord for my family. I will not want to change anything, If I did, I may not have them today.
A big part of my motivation in writing this blog is to give me the discipline to give thanks to the Lord for my life. The past 4 years eversince I came here, it is all about complaining...
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