Despair

Its the holidays, and its supposed to be relaxing and merry, though its not Christmas, and lack all the festive spirit....but its an adequate number of days away from the usual hectic schedule.

It was ok when she was not around but then her presence seem like a purposeful effort to shun me. My cooking, my presence and any conversations that circulate around me as a subject is utterly rejected and sprinkled with magic powder that is supposed to either magnify my failures, or make my achievements to either diminish or preferably disappear. I must say although I should have known better than to take these to heart, it still hurts me.

My drive in life is to do my best in all that I put my hands on, and then God would do the rest. However, this time I must say that I did not expect such a 'payback' for paying my dues. And yes, I am disappointed and angry, but my anger is downplayed, maybe its because I am tired, tired emotionally of having to go through a whirlwind of emotions everyday. Tired of all the pretense and the hypocricy that I am faced to witness on a daily basis. Tired of unfair treatment and tired of living with a complete control freak who thinks that she is mrs know-all when actually knowledge she acquired is confined to a small scope and bias judgement.

I should not be too concerned, yes I tell that to myself everyday, God help me to expand my horizons, to look beyond the negativity and just fix my eyes on you. The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy and I do not want to be robbed like that God. Have mercy on me and help me get back what the devil has taken away from me, my peace and joy.

I cannot go through these alone, I need YOU Lord, cause only you can help David beat Goliath. Help me to overcome this Father. I dunno, if you think I should look upon this as a'Goliath' or someone insecure whom u want me to embrace. Either way, it seems really impossible for me to do Your will unless I have Your strength, so God please equip me with the needed tools to get through this. God, only You can be my shield, shield me from negativity and shield me from the weapons formed against me.

In Jesus' name, I pray and lay my life before You.

Amen.

Help my 'Home'

Yesterday as I returned home from work, it was the usual gloom day. You know to me, home has always been a sacred word..you go there to take shelter after a beaten day and its supposed to make you feel better. Well, I never ever had "my own home" like parents who get along and also a permanent roof over my head. In fact when I was younger, my parents fight almost everyday, otherwise they just shut themselves from each other. In addition, we didn't really have our own living room to share our stories or just to mingle and chit chat. We lived where my parents' factory was then, after my Dad ran into some financial trouble, we had to move into my grandmother's shophouse which we occupied the guest rooms. However, all the time when I was in Singapore, a concept of 'home' is built into me, one where you chat over dinner, celebrate one another's achievements and joy, mourn together and just take care of one another in small ways and big ways....and all those time, I stayed with people who had no blood realtions to me. I stayed with a 'mere' guardian. But I did long for home then when I had a tiring or upsetting day at school.
However, now, I feel more rested at work when u literally have to drag your butt cos its just been so hectic. Its just because everytime I get home, my mil just seems to not welcome my presence. She only speaks to correct me or to put me down, other times its just a face that u dun want to see.
It made me fell really depressed to a point now when all i can talk abt to my husband is the idea of moving out. When it just takes the whole life and energy off you...u become so tired to even chat and joke.....and i know its affecting my husband. God, please help me, please help me. I really dread this....
I become more and more upset seeing my husband sad because of me, but then just having the initiative to improve our relationship seem so difficult cos after that i bump into her, i get really upset again. The ups and downs in my moods really makes me feel like perhaps this is menopause. God help my family, help me look beyond myself, help me live life for those I love. Please Lord....its driving me crazy.....take us out from here.

No sweating

Yup, the title may say 'no sweating' but is crying allowed? If so, then perhaps I should cry my heart out and hope to feel much better. Anyway we had the proverbial pretense gathering yesterday and I was trying very hard to be a good co-host and one actively trying to make everyone enjoy the event. They were there and it was cordial at first because of much active hospitality on my part (it was difficult and to some extent heart-wrenching cause u have to face that cold and unfriendly face, and of course there is an attitude attached to it too). But everything went ok until the part when my mil said that my daughters quick learning is the by product of my then nanny! I was rather mad, not because she think so lowly of me and too highly of my nanny but because she assumed. I dunno what is it with her, everytime i am in the room with the kids, if she is around, she would leave immediately. Maybe because she has got other things to do, but maybe because she would otherwise feel left out cause my daughter speaks a diferent language to me than to her. Then when I confronted her she said "sorry (in an unsorry way) but i said it cause i have never seen u teach her before". Well perhaps iIcan see it as her narrow mindedness and shallow attitude or maybe she is just jealous she cannot teach kids that way, i dunnot but all i knew is that apology was all but sincere! And it hurt to think that she is like that. And she still say that we should watch what we say cause what we say can hurt people.
Anyway, her words kept ringing in my head and today I woke up even before my alarm rang, cause I am angry. Then when I watched my little one sleeping, I felt more relaxed and at peace...its like a small voice saying, "don't sweat it, it not worth it. Look at me, I need you." Then it tugged my heart and I am reminded of what our Lord went through, all the blaphesmy and all the mocking...all these even from his family and friends....what is my 'suffering' compared to His.
I want to live my life like it was my last, I want to give my energy and my time to those important to me. So God help me focus.
In fact what should be my concern is not my own problem but my beloved husband. When I married him I knew he was capable of great things, he is the type of person who have excess memory capacity and a sharp anylitical ability. I still think he is that person, but what is sad is, when what my mil does to my ego, she has been doing it to his for the past 30 years or so...so thats probably why my husband is unhappy. But I know God can help us, not to get back at them, but to be free....free in mind and spirit. I know we have to come back to Him, cause He is the one who really care.
I thank God that He always provide 'coming back' moments for us, moments that allow us to reflect on our lives and realise that this life is only worth living if He is significantly present.
I know now, I need to leave but I want my husband to be with us, I do not want him here alone.
God open the way for us please.....