Holy Ground

Just as I was stashing the word 'rude' back in the closet, telling myself not to use it so often on my adversaries, it came jumping right out of its hiding place!...Today they came over to visit my in laws, and well the usual took place, the snubbing, my mil trying to be 'fair' and 'diplomatic' (but of course failing at all attempts, only to display her lack of maturity and wisdom in dealing with problem people; then again a huge part of the problem is her...) and all the blah blah blahs.
Anyway I was bringing out a plate of hot food from the kitchen, when my 'sis' in law, not watching where she was going, bumped into me. Of course before she could knock me entirely I cried out "Aduh! Aduh! Aduh!" (The indonesian slang of "Oh no!") Then she was shocked herself, so she braked, and the only thing that happened was my leg being hit. Of course, being raised in a normal way, I expected her to apologise for being the cause of the 'traffic accident' but then all I heard was some clicking noises made by her tongue before she walked away....what do you call that, a 'hit-and-run' or a road bully? I was completely taken aback, and so very simply I label her actions as RUDE...(it might be an understatement but God knows better...)

Not long after, maybe like 10 minutes after my mishap, she was carrying a bowl of soup from the kitchen, and 'CLANK' she dropped it together with all its contents, and so the poor two maids got to clean up again, and the guests were startled, and I have to re-cook the soup. However, I could see the humiliation on her face when I was the one who volunteered to re-cook the soup from my mil.. For your information, the place where she dropped the soup, was the same place she knocked me without saying 'sorry'....that's why I think God might have intervened, HE always defend His children, He would not let them be bullied. If so, then that same spot would be 'HOLY GROUND' right?....Whatever it is, just like any child who rejoices when the witch is defeated, when good prevails over evil....I felt like that. Thank You God:)

Just for the BIG GUY

I was so appalled today, annoyed and angry but then again slightly ecstatic cause I exposed someone's lie! Anyway, my mil is supposed to be recouperating (more like nursing her outrageous mood swings) and on a very strict diet. She chooses to still eat only porridge, (despite passing her one month anniversary ever since she was announced unfit), abstaining from tofu and all bean products, fried foods and such. Only 2 days ago, I cooked tofu for the family and then I asked her if she is able to eat tofu already, she said coldly, "no" nothing more. Ok I thought, I didn't want to ask in the first place but it seemed so critical that I did then, like the little voice in me saying, "ask her" So I did and I got my answer. It didn't bother me, I am quite used to her inconsistent behaviour by now.

Today, her other daughter in law, who strikes such similar resemblance as her, in terms of character and attitude sent some fried tofu over for her...guess what? Yup, she ate it, she ate one whole big piece. Of course I had to ask, "so you can eat tofu now?" she nodded, I could see her humiliation just answering my question. (Thank God, that means that she still has got potential for being convicted of her wrong actions, in this case lying! she was just snubbing me thats why she refused to eat what I cook for her.)

I was rather angry, but then now after thinking it through, I don't feel the anger anymore, just the sweet feel of victory...I can sleep at night, cause I tried my best cooking for her, and ensuring that she gets the best from me, but I don't think she can have her forty winks tonight....cause God gives rest to those He loves....(she just don't understand that He loves her too that's why)

I was just telling my husband about this and I told Him, that the only thing keeping my spit away from her food is my God....I do this for Him and Him only....and I can reap peace from it even though appreciation is not at the other end of the rod. Thank you Lord for the peace You have given me. I love You and need You so much in my life.

I love you Lord

Today, on my way back from work....we drove past the highway, it was around 6pm just when the sun was setting. I found myself face to face with an impeccable view of the skyline....the orange and red blends, together with the greyish background....and all the city lights just being lit up....it was beautiful...Such beauty reminded me of the Creator....how amazing the works of His hands are. Thank you Jesus.

I began to think about how the Lord has changed me as a person, I am far from perfect, I may not have come a long way, but I have covered some distance, I may still be weak, but I have found strength to pick myself up each time, I may still be afraid on so many occassions, but the confidence comes along whenever I reach a turning point. I can see now, though not that far away, of how I want to raise my girls, and how I want to live my life. It will be done with Jesus.
I have continually been amused and impressed with what my God can do, I am proud of my Jesus.

I am continually surrounded by negatives, by people trying to pinpoint my faults, by people who try to make little problems big, by people who boast at their ant sized achievements and yet hide your merits or take credit for something they did not do...all the politics, all the pretense, and all the hypocricy....if its not for my God, I would have broken down. However, today I thank Him for the peace that I have, for the love that I found, and for the friendship that I have kept along the way, despite my current situation.

After I pen down this, after I leave this family shelter (which is our bedroom) I would be faced with the undesirable again, the discomforts of a non-home, the stiff and reluctant conversations and the fake cordiality...but for now, I am thankful for my Lord Jesus Christ.

Proud of my God

The Lord has often said that the tongue is a small but dangerous tool that can be used to build or to destroy. I am saddened that this little tool is almost always overlooked by so many other religion. My mil is a religious person, perhaps the 'Martha' of her belief, but then again I do not think a 'Mary' exist in her religion....anyway she prays at the altar two times a day, but of course there is no two-way communication, it is all of her talking and asking for remedies and way-outs no other way but only HER way...don't you see it, how can we try and be God in the first place? That caused the fall of Lucifer....so you see, when religion do not encourage two-way worship....we should sound the alarm!

Coming back to her little tool...she uses it so conveniently, spreading gossip, telling lies, hurting people with really really harsh and crude stuff....and it has caused her own mess in the heart...I mean I really don't think by the look at it, she is enjoying beauty sleep. Shouldn't her god blow the whistle and tell her to watch that little tool, its definitely not building peace or spreading kindness!....

Anyway, I am thankful my God is the beginning, and yet so forward-looking. How on several occassions in the bible, He has spoken about watching our tongues, and all the negative things that come with it if you don't. I am thankful that God always tells me to 'cast my burdens' unto Him, cause only He would know what ought to be done, I am thankful that He places so much emphasis on learning His word and just communicating with Him, cause He knows that we need that direction from Him...I am thankful that He continually speak about keeping the condition of our hearts clean and healthy so that I may have peace and sleep (though not much), that things like regret, hurt, disappointment should not be a fixture but should be cast upon Him, all in all, I am thankful for MY LORD JESUS.

Let more know Him, then probably there would be no more wars, and there would be worldpeace!

No time for blogging

I think that very much says it all, sigh, I have to go down to cook now....I hope chores would not block out my blog.....hope to see you again my writing pad...

Snubbed, so what!

It has been a week or so now, since my husband announced that we as a family would be going to Singapore to start life there...oh yes, I didn't tell you why the sudden change of mind on his part? I do not know exactly when he set his mind to it, but it is final, he is coming with us...Yipeee!!!! However, it is not an easy task, the family would be bound for uncharted waters, have to rely on our gotten gains and skills to build a similar comfort we are leaving behind. The good and sure thing is, Jesus is in the boat with us:)

Anyway, things haven't been looking that good for people accepting the news, but not for my part of the family...they all think that an education for the girls in Singapore is far more beneficial than whatever you can find here...the person who seem to be affected most is Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde....you know who....MIL.

Some of the earlier reactions...(coming in this order) skeptical: "are you sure you can find a job there", self-pity "the kids are still so young.."sob sob, followed by completely snubbing me of course (cause she thinks I am the one who is behind this), not eating what I cook and not giving me more than one look....but SO WHAT! I can sleep soundly at night knowing that I am doing my part, the more she don't want to eat my cooking, the more I try to put effort in my cooking for her....the more she is in self-pity, the more I try to make our last days joyful....I am not going to take offense about her childish actions..let her be what she is, maybe that is why they say you can never make ducks into swans unless they are swans in the first place. I will not try to change her but I pray that God would help me handle her....perhaps I have this point of view cause I now see the light at the end of the tunnel...

But yes, God has a time for everything, and I am thankful that my husband is coming with us this 'time'.....Thank you Lord, for the lighter view of life....let me learn to continually cast my burdens unto You....

To Go

What had been in my head the past 3 weeks or so had been, "to go or no to go". Then I consulted family members closest to me, I spoke to my brother. The first thing he said was that if you really have to go, give thanks first for where you are now. In the bible, it says that married men ought to leave the house and start a new cell. This theory is beyond the acceptance of traditional chinese (non Christian) beliefs, they say that if you move out you are unfilial and perhaps even fit to be chased out of the house. However, living with the extended had me agreeing with what had been written. Maybe what had made it worse is the difference in our beliefs, in religion.
I fully agree that absence make the heart grow fonder...starting a family, building on a relationship, raising children and juggling all these with a full time job is challenging enough, and perhaps distance would preserve the relationship to some extent. At least they would not get to see the tired and emotionally challenged you all the time. In a positive light, they deserve to see your better side. So, in conclusion, my bro said that moving out is an option, it should not be viewed as taboo, if you look at it this way, you would realise that you are not in a pit, but the there is light at the end of the tunnel. However, must give thanks cos God is allowing us to stay here, despite the reccommended plan, so that we would be processed.

Mother in laws would always be different from our own mothers, I am glad I have girls. With real mothers, you can afford to be yourself without being judged, but not likewise with the former. Sometimes a display of what you feel can ruin everything. Why did our relationship become like this? When before, I treated her like my own mother, in fact sometimes the concern I show for her outweighs the attention I give to my own mum. The only thing I can think about, the turning point, is when I spoke back, telling her some of my thoughts. If I knew this would happen I should just shut up. Yes it hurts me that the relationship had turned this way. However, I learnt a lesson...do not be naive, not everyone value honesty. In addition, no matter what happens, your own mother would always be there. They would not say, "see, where in the world did you think anyone can replace your own mother" (maybe I would say that if this happened to my daughters) but she merely cried with me when I am sad. Telling me that I have to be strong for my girls and giving thanks for my husband. Now I thank God for my mum.
I am one who values honesty in every relationship, and I pray I would also have an open and honest relationship with my daughters.

Then I spoke to my mum abt my plans of moving, she said, it would be good for the girls and let me decide the rest. She said, abt leaving my husband, I should know better abt the relationship to be able to decide this. So I think, I would go, at least for now. It would be good for everybody, my girls, u know who, my husband (he can then heave sighs of relief rather than see the upset me, the changed me and concentrate on his job) and of course it would be better for me. To rediscover myself.

Men can plan, but if the Lord does not bless, it is all useless, so God, I pray that You would open the way, help us enter a new chapter, help us rebuild ourselves.

Men live one day at a time

These days have been rather slow, and a bit of a dread, perhaps its because of the knowledge that my husband would be away on business for ten full days, needless to say that includes weekends. Then again, cause I only have one nanny now, that means I work only half days, and would have to stay home with u know who for the remaining part of the day (adding to dread list). Anyway, I now seem to be contemplating the decision to take the girls to study overseas or remain in Jakarta....

The latter option seemed bleaker cause that means still remaining behind cell gates, the former is really like on probation cause we would be staying in their premises too, and borrowing their stuff. Then I checked my motivation. A large driving force of the move is because I am not enjoying my bunking days with them. However, should I go, it means that I would be seperated with my husband, and best case scenario is to meet him on the weekends only.

This seem a little disturbing now, thinking, u know, u marry a guy u love and decide to live with him till death do us part, only now, u want to make the sacrifice for your children's education. Is it worth it? It is a dilemma for us mums, being with your husband and being a good mum (trying to provide the best for your kids)...I really don't know, God help me decide.

Then I told him, why not we move out, nevermind the kids, lets just put them in international schools. Then he asked me an intelligent question, "what is it that makes it so unbearable to live here?" I dunno the answer to that, only, "hello, where have you been?!" I do not think I want to explain. He said that they are often not here anyway, I declined to comment.

I know, I would always remain at second place in the heart of a good son, and I do not want to battle for that position. I knew it from the start of our relationship, and I know it now, that nothing would change that. I love him so much, even knowing that this arrangement stands. I emphatise with him, for trying to do his best as a son. I have not complained and will not. Maybe my husband gets through this by living one day at a time. Getting by her hurtful comments and actions sometimes, and my sorrowful and smileless days. The next morning he woud still have too much in his mind still. God please help him and help us find a solution.

I don't know how long I will last, counting my days all the time. All the time thinking that we are actually human, empowered for change, it depends whether we want to take that step. So what if they say bad things about us, so what if they gloom over our remaining days with them....it the light at the end of the tunnel that matters. Freedom does not fall from the sky, it is fought for. Now I understand my position, that my marriage is not to him only, but his parents comes along. But I thank God for my children and I thank God for other things else in our relationship.
God, give me strength daily and help me sleep better, make me so tired physically that I cannot cry on my pillow no more. God please, help us.

A friend wrote in her blog, that whatever written in her blog must remain positive. I think I should also do that. So that negative memories are not etched in our hearts. So, for today:

" This is the day that the Lord has made,
I will rejoice and be glad in it"

we would be going to the mall today, going to cut our hair and spend a few hours flirting with freedom....

The reason behind

Hah! Today I purposefully left my laptop 'lying' around, knowing our adversaries would be there, and hopefully they would not just mind their own business but dig into what's inside my computer...perhaps, 'incidentally' tumbling into my blog.... hehhe but when I checked my history, nope, they dun seem to have stumbled in here. Sigh.

They might think that they would have founded treasure, should they find this blogspot, cause I treat this space like my basin, I vomit out all my feelings, hoping that it would then clear my system, so I would be ready to face a tomorrow....but think again, why post it on the web if you dun wan anyone to read this? hmmmm....to me all these things need to be out in the open, cause all the pretense have been too intense and concentrated. To me, this should not be shouted out loud on the hilltops, but on a podium...not to an audience of the sea or ocean, but to knowing humans......as loud as I want to also tell people about "JUJANTY" :)

Goodnight.

Despair

Its the holidays, and its supposed to be relaxing and merry, though its not Christmas, and lack all the festive spirit....but its an adequate number of days away from the usual hectic schedule.

It was ok when she was not around but then her presence seem like a purposeful effort to shun me. My cooking, my presence and any conversations that circulate around me as a subject is utterly rejected and sprinkled with magic powder that is supposed to either magnify my failures, or make my achievements to either diminish or preferably disappear. I must say although I should have known better than to take these to heart, it still hurts me.

My drive in life is to do my best in all that I put my hands on, and then God would do the rest. However, this time I must say that I did not expect such a 'payback' for paying my dues. And yes, I am disappointed and angry, but my anger is downplayed, maybe its because I am tired, tired emotionally of having to go through a whirlwind of emotions everyday. Tired of all the pretense and the hypocricy that I am faced to witness on a daily basis. Tired of unfair treatment and tired of living with a complete control freak who thinks that she is mrs know-all when actually knowledge she acquired is confined to a small scope and bias judgement.

I should not be too concerned, yes I tell that to myself everyday, God help me to expand my horizons, to look beyond the negativity and just fix my eyes on you. The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy and I do not want to be robbed like that God. Have mercy on me and help me get back what the devil has taken away from me, my peace and joy.

I cannot go through these alone, I need YOU Lord, cause only you can help David beat Goliath. Help me to overcome this Father. I dunno, if you think I should look upon this as a'Goliath' or someone insecure whom u want me to embrace. Either way, it seems really impossible for me to do Your will unless I have Your strength, so God please equip me with the needed tools to get through this. God, only You can be my shield, shield me from negativity and shield me from the weapons formed against me.

In Jesus' name, I pray and lay my life before You.

Amen.

Help my 'Home'

Yesterday as I returned home from work, it was the usual gloom day. You know to me, home has always been a sacred word..you go there to take shelter after a beaten day and its supposed to make you feel better. Well, I never ever had "my own home" like parents who get along and also a permanent roof over my head. In fact when I was younger, my parents fight almost everyday, otherwise they just shut themselves from each other. In addition, we didn't really have our own living room to share our stories or just to mingle and chit chat. We lived where my parents' factory was then, after my Dad ran into some financial trouble, we had to move into my grandmother's shophouse which we occupied the guest rooms. However, all the time when I was in Singapore, a concept of 'home' is built into me, one where you chat over dinner, celebrate one another's achievements and joy, mourn together and just take care of one another in small ways and big ways....and all those time, I stayed with people who had no blood realtions to me. I stayed with a 'mere' guardian. But I did long for home then when I had a tiring or upsetting day at school.
However, now, I feel more rested at work when u literally have to drag your butt cos its just been so hectic. Its just because everytime I get home, my mil just seems to not welcome my presence. She only speaks to correct me or to put me down, other times its just a face that u dun want to see.
It made me fell really depressed to a point now when all i can talk abt to my husband is the idea of moving out. When it just takes the whole life and energy off you...u become so tired to even chat and joke.....and i know its affecting my husband. God, please help me, please help me. I really dread this....
I become more and more upset seeing my husband sad because of me, but then just having the initiative to improve our relationship seem so difficult cos after that i bump into her, i get really upset again. The ups and downs in my moods really makes me feel like perhaps this is menopause. God help my family, help me look beyond myself, help me live life for those I love. Please Lord....its driving me crazy.....take us out from here.

No sweating

Yup, the title may say 'no sweating' but is crying allowed? If so, then perhaps I should cry my heart out and hope to feel much better. Anyway we had the proverbial pretense gathering yesterday and I was trying very hard to be a good co-host and one actively trying to make everyone enjoy the event. They were there and it was cordial at first because of much active hospitality on my part (it was difficult and to some extent heart-wrenching cause u have to face that cold and unfriendly face, and of course there is an attitude attached to it too). But everything went ok until the part when my mil said that my daughters quick learning is the by product of my then nanny! I was rather mad, not because she think so lowly of me and too highly of my nanny but because she assumed. I dunno what is it with her, everytime i am in the room with the kids, if she is around, she would leave immediately. Maybe because she has got other things to do, but maybe because she would otherwise feel left out cause my daughter speaks a diferent language to me than to her. Then when I confronted her she said "sorry (in an unsorry way) but i said it cause i have never seen u teach her before". Well perhaps iIcan see it as her narrow mindedness and shallow attitude or maybe she is just jealous she cannot teach kids that way, i dunnot but all i knew is that apology was all but sincere! And it hurt to think that she is like that. And she still say that we should watch what we say cause what we say can hurt people.
Anyway, her words kept ringing in my head and today I woke up even before my alarm rang, cause I am angry. Then when I watched my little one sleeping, I felt more relaxed and at peace...its like a small voice saying, "don't sweat it, it not worth it. Look at me, I need you." Then it tugged my heart and I am reminded of what our Lord went through, all the blaphesmy and all the mocking...all these even from his family and friends....what is my 'suffering' compared to His.
I want to live my life like it was my last, I want to give my energy and my time to those important to me. So God help me focus.
In fact what should be my concern is not my own problem but my beloved husband. When I married him I knew he was capable of great things, he is the type of person who have excess memory capacity and a sharp anylitical ability. I still think he is that person, but what is sad is, when what my mil does to my ego, she has been doing it to his for the past 30 years or so...so thats probably why my husband is unhappy. But I know God can help us, not to get back at them, but to be free....free in mind and spirit. I know we have to come back to Him, cause He is the one who really care.
I thank God that He always provide 'coming back' moments for us, moments that allow us to reflect on our lives and realise that this life is only worth living if He is significantly present.
I know now, I need to leave but I want my husband to be with us, I do not want him here alone.
God open the way for us please.....

A Whammy

I have been unblogging for the past few weeks, not because I dun have anything to thank about but initially, after learning that forgiveness is key, I was freed. I was so joyous, and I can even pray for my adversaries, think abt what they may like and such. I was planning a playground outing cum picnic and I actually wanted to invite them that Wednesday when it was Megan's birthday. However, the playground was closed for public, so we decided to try again that Saturday. It was not a feasible plan cause something unexpected happened. Something that made us sad. Well our adversaries attacked again and this time they did not come unto us, but the hand that feeds...It was heart wrenching to see the elderly stare blankly into space, weeping daily and the constant change of atmosphere. First the quiet then the shouts and screams... it was more than disturbing. My husband was with his family the next few days, I spend my time at work and eating lonely dinners. Not that I mind, but I shared the sorrow they felt, the betrayal and the disappointment and anger. It was during these times, that I told God, have mercy, please. Then we finally had time to pray together, that night, we pleaded with God to bring the prodigal son back and to give us a big heart, big enough to welcome them home.

We got news that they would come back on Saturday. God answers prayers. So that Saturday, it was meant for a heart to heart talk to clear the air. However, the 'VIPS' do not share the same thought. Perhaps they wanted to come back because it is a more convenient option. So they came home, apologised to the parents and that's it. No explanation or remorse, nor lecture from the latter, no warnings nothing. They merely swept everything under the rug, conveniently. My husband could not be there cause he had a meeting. So I came back....phew, strange, it somehow felt like what happened the last few days didn't really happen. That is how good some of his family members are. They could vie for the Oscars....but my husband wanted a seperate meeting anyway hoping that the relationship would last, but his parents think that he is the troublemaker now by initiating this. They conveniently said, no family is perfect, they would not be around for a long time anyway, in other words, just pretend to like them.....hehehheh cool. Is that the world's greatest joke or what. Well, anyway, their reaction got us to knock on heaven's door again, this time we let Him decide, whether or not a meeting would take place...if not close all avenues.
God has a way of anwering prayers, I dunnot whether to cry or giggle, but adversary#1 saved her butt by distracting parents so that kindness and leniency is shown...that she is expecting...WHAM! Thats a good one God. Now I get the message.....leave this to You huh.....yup I wash my hands....
Sigh, God please make us strong, You defend ok....we would trust You on this one. Save our sanity, enlarge our hearts.

A Milestone

Today is a special day. Our wedding anniversary passed last week, nope its not anyone's birthday, but today, exactly 11 years ago, my then boyfriend (who is now my husband) asked me to be his girlfriend. We were really young then, I barely started university, we only knew each other for something like 6 months but I guess we were both had something in our minds, we wanted to take each other seriously..looking back, I would not want to change a thing. We have been through a lot together, graduation, first jobs, moving to a new country, my parents' divorce, childbirth, post-partum complications among other things..there has been lots of ups and downs, but I really cannot recall much of those even though we consider them pivotal events. However, one thing for sure I just know that when we are together, things don't seem that bad when we turn at life's worser side and when we pass through the good times, it seem to linger....I really would not know what to do without him.
To mark this milestone, he gave me a tiffany anniversary ring, though slightly too small (we are going to change it tomorrow) I am ecstatic. Not because of its material value, but the fact that he even bother to leave for work much earlier, then travel all the way from the industrial area to the city (which is like a 1hr drive on a good day) to get the gift. My husband is not a shopper at all, I buy all his things...perhaps that is why it took him 11 years before getting me anything at all...:) but anyway, it was really the sweetest gesture.
Thank you Lord for my husband! Gotta sleep now, I am so tired, and I can hear him snoring in the other room, gotta go and put a 'Breathe Right' on his nose.

Touched

Last night my husband told me that he was going to use a new approach in treating our adversaries (those name-calling back stabbers). The current cold war does not reflect our motives sufficiently, this time he wanted to play an active role in showing love to our 'enemies'.
He asked me whether I was on his side, and he wanted to know what I thought. I did not know whether to laugh out loud or start calling my husband names too (just like what Job's wife did). However, I merely said that I will speak to him tomorrow...before turning in with a confused mind. Upon falling asleep I said a little prayer though, perhaps the littlest prayer I ever said. I said, "God make my heart right"
I have gone for numerous bible studies, read the texts, biographies of Christians who gave up much for The Cause and listened to umpteen sermons on "loving thy neighbour". Well I have gotten along with almost everybody and I don't think I have been offensive to anyone, so obviously it is no elephant task to love them cordially. But this is a funny one, you know it reminded me of what Mother Theresa said....'God carefully weigh and measure each cross before He let us carry it. He would never let us carry a burden that exceeds our abilities. But sometimes, I wish that He would not have so much confidence in me' It is probably flattering to think that God put these people around us, knowing that we CAN love them. Despite their inconsideration, malicious ways, scheming thoughts and that dagger they keep at convenience so that all those times when you are not looking....POKE! another bulls eye in your back.
Sometimes I feel so exhausted just ducking all the arrows shot at us that I tell God, "I know I have to love them, but then please empty my heart so much so that I am hollow, then let me just hang on to the tail of Your robe, then You can drag me. Cause following you seem like an impossible assignment in my condition."
Anyway, I was listening to Hillsong's 'Just let me say' when the start of the song goes, "Just let me say how much I love YOU, let me speak of your mercy and grace..." Then God spoke," you may not love them just yet, but you love ME, so show grace" Its like God saying, please do it for me. Then I wept. I wept cause I did not deserve His confidence in my love for Him. My love for Him is incomparable to what love He has given to me...but yet He seemed to be thankful for that. That little space my selfish heart has prepared for Him. I think I understand that, cause when my daughters show the least of affection to me, I am ecstatic. Maybe thats how the adversaries' parents feel, they are satisfied even with the little bit of 'right' they do. Whatever it is, God touched me alright.
So I pray, that God would enlarge the space of my heart, that I may love my adversaries. Then during the later part of the day, my thoughts wandered around the idea of organising a dinner party. Me cooking (edible food of course, no poison in their portion, Promise.) then maybe my daughter and I can make dessert. I will leave that to God, cause I still need Him to bless my plans. Please Lord, prepare my heart to serve.
Meanwhile, thank you for my husband and thank you for taking a chance on me.

p/s: men may see what you have (not how you get the things you have; either way those two are not important), but God sees the heart.

A Family Potrait

Today we all gathered at the photographer's for a family potrait. That is, my biological Mum, my bro, his wife, my sis, her fiance, my husband and my two girls. The day went as much as expected, with all the frills, cumbersome props an heavy make up. When my daughter saw my fake lashes, she said with her eyes wide, whilst staring at my eyes, "Mummy, how come your eye lashes touch your forehead, like Minnie Mouse?"
Then came the poses...it was excruciatingly tiring...trying to make someone with a stiff knee, heavy body (my husband) sit at the edge of the couch, or trying to prop my 9 month old baby to sit up straight and smile at the camera. Perhaps, climbing everest would be a more straightforward task! Anyway, we all had fun. Especially when my eldest daughter took to the limelight by posing and screaming "1,2,3 SMILE" before each shot was taken.
At the end of the day, you know its really these little occasions that make life a little lighter. I thank God for these moments..though rare and short...but I know that God is like my spare. When I feel tired, HE would take turns with me, carrying my burdens. Knowing this, I know I would still go on....Thank you Lord.

An affirmation

Home is supposed to be where the heart is, you think of phrases like 'home sweet home' when the subject comes to mind. We fail to remember that it is not the structure of the house, its contents or its comforts that warms the heart...only, the members of it.
Very often after a long day at work, I long to go home. But something tugs the heart, telling me again to think again. Is my husband back yet? Would my children be sleeping or eating now (if so, then they have to be left undisturbed)? Who would I have to face at home? Someone who is welcoming or a volcano waiting to erupt? A restless character waiting to be provoked and hence flaring its mass fury? Whatever it is, it is best to wait. To wait till you are sure there is someone there who genuinely care about you. That is what makes home a place worth going back to.
I was to go to work in the morning yesterday, my daughter who is now almost three is very familiar with my routines. When I stopped to say goodbye to her, she said "Mummy, you cannot go to work anymore. Because I want to be with you for a long long time" I was touched, knowing the fact that someone truly valued my company for what it is. I am no clown, I do not come home with rewards everyday for her, but yet this beautiful young girl is longing for me, actually yearning for my return every evening and dreading my departure every morning. Who am I, that deserved such treatment from someone so pure and innocent, someone whom God said, "Let them (children) come to Me".Now, that is my reason for being home. Thank you Lord for my daughters. I see the light now.
Then, at home yesterday, while going up the steps, I walked with my husband. He held my hand. It felt warm, firm and certain. Then I am affirmed that he would always be there with me, despite all the persecution, all the ice from the 'cold war', he would be there with the warmth that I need. You know how sometimes, a firm handshake can 'wake' you, and motivates you? A firm handshake from a person passionate for life can sometimes revive your jaded attitude, now that is what I meant. Perhaps that was what I needed then, that simple touch.
Thank you Lord for my husband. Thank you Lord for being there in the midst of difficulties, that even thought the adversaries make up the majority, I know I have strong allies.

My Life

Today is the day I got my hand at writing again. In the past before my boyfriend became my husband, and before the One up there gave us two beautiful girls, I penned my life on paper. It gave clarity and much space for introspection, and almost always get me to heave sighs of relief. Relieved by the fact that God never gives up on you. Relieved that there is still an empty page behind, hence knowing that it is not the end of the road just yet. Hence, Relieved, knowing that there is hope for a better day.
Now, I need to lay my life out more than before. Eversince we got married, we moved back to Jakarta. Yes, this is my birthplace alright, but I have never stayed in Jakarta longer than 2 months in one stretch. Besides, I have never studied the language, and never ventured out further than the malls. It is intimidating then when we decide to move, but I was with the person I love, so I took the big step. Everything changed, my friends, my house, my job, and the way I live my life.
It is difficult and often emotionally stressful as the people around you may not show empathy even when you need it most. It got to a point when every night you sleep on a wet pillow and the idea of running away seem so vivid and so likely. Despite all these, I still see the fruit of my labour. The love and support of my husband and the joyful light moments my daughters bring. Thank you Lord for my family. I will not want to change anything, If I did, I may not have them today.
A big part of my motivation in writing this blog is to give me the discipline to give thanks to the Lord for my life. The past 4 years eversince I came here, it is all about complaining...