To Go

What had been in my head the past 3 weeks or so had been, "to go or no to go". Then I consulted family members closest to me, I spoke to my brother. The first thing he said was that if you really have to go, give thanks first for where you are now. In the bible, it says that married men ought to leave the house and start a new cell. This theory is beyond the acceptance of traditional chinese (non Christian) beliefs, they say that if you move out you are unfilial and perhaps even fit to be chased out of the house. However, living with the extended had me agreeing with what had been written. Maybe what had made it worse is the difference in our beliefs, in religion.
I fully agree that absence make the heart grow fonder...starting a family, building on a relationship, raising children and juggling all these with a full time job is challenging enough, and perhaps distance would preserve the relationship to some extent. At least they would not get to see the tired and emotionally challenged you all the time. In a positive light, they deserve to see your better side. So, in conclusion, my bro said that moving out is an option, it should not be viewed as taboo, if you look at it this way, you would realise that you are not in a pit, but the there is light at the end of the tunnel. However, must give thanks cos God is allowing us to stay here, despite the reccommended plan, so that we would be processed.

Mother in laws would always be different from our own mothers, I am glad I have girls. With real mothers, you can afford to be yourself without being judged, but not likewise with the former. Sometimes a display of what you feel can ruin everything. Why did our relationship become like this? When before, I treated her like my own mother, in fact sometimes the concern I show for her outweighs the attention I give to my own mum. The only thing I can think about, the turning point, is when I spoke back, telling her some of my thoughts. If I knew this would happen I should just shut up. Yes it hurts me that the relationship had turned this way. However, I learnt a lesson...do not be naive, not everyone value honesty. In addition, no matter what happens, your own mother would always be there. They would not say, "see, where in the world did you think anyone can replace your own mother" (maybe I would say that if this happened to my daughters) but she merely cried with me when I am sad. Telling me that I have to be strong for my girls and giving thanks for my husband. Now I thank God for my mum.
I am one who values honesty in every relationship, and I pray I would also have an open and honest relationship with my daughters.

Then I spoke to my mum abt my plans of moving, she said, it would be good for the girls and let me decide the rest. She said, abt leaving my husband, I should know better abt the relationship to be able to decide this. So I think, I would go, at least for now. It would be good for everybody, my girls, u know who, my husband (he can then heave sighs of relief rather than see the upset me, the changed me and concentrate on his job) and of course it would be better for me. To rediscover myself.

Men can plan, but if the Lord does not bless, it is all useless, so God, I pray that You would open the way, help us enter a new chapter, help us rebuild ourselves.

Men live one day at a time

These days have been rather slow, and a bit of a dread, perhaps its because of the knowledge that my husband would be away on business for ten full days, needless to say that includes weekends. Then again, cause I only have one nanny now, that means I work only half days, and would have to stay home with u know who for the remaining part of the day (adding to dread list). Anyway, I now seem to be contemplating the decision to take the girls to study overseas or remain in Jakarta....

The latter option seemed bleaker cause that means still remaining behind cell gates, the former is really like on probation cause we would be staying in their premises too, and borrowing their stuff. Then I checked my motivation. A large driving force of the move is because I am not enjoying my bunking days with them. However, should I go, it means that I would be seperated with my husband, and best case scenario is to meet him on the weekends only.

This seem a little disturbing now, thinking, u know, u marry a guy u love and decide to live with him till death do us part, only now, u want to make the sacrifice for your children's education. Is it worth it? It is a dilemma for us mums, being with your husband and being a good mum (trying to provide the best for your kids)...I really don't know, God help me decide.

Then I told him, why not we move out, nevermind the kids, lets just put them in international schools. Then he asked me an intelligent question, "what is it that makes it so unbearable to live here?" I dunno the answer to that, only, "hello, where have you been?!" I do not think I want to explain. He said that they are often not here anyway, I declined to comment.

I know, I would always remain at second place in the heart of a good son, and I do not want to battle for that position. I knew it from the start of our relationship, and I know it now, that nothing would change that. I love him so much, even knowing that this arrangement stands. I emphatise with him, for trying to do his best as a son. I have not complained and will not. Maybe my husband gets through this by living one day at a time. Getting by her hurtful comments and actions sometimes, and my sorrowful and smileless days. The next morning he woud still have too much in his mind still. God please help him and help us find a solution.

I don't know how long I will last, counting my days all the time. All the time thinking that we are actually human, empowered for change, it depends whether we want to take that step. So what if they say bad things about us, so what if they gloom over our remaining days with them....it the light at the end of the tunnel that matters. Freedom does not fall from the sky, it is fought for. Now I understand my position, that my marriage is not to him only, but his parents comes along. But I thank God for my children and I thank God for other things else in our relationship.
God, give me strength daily and help me sleep better, make me so tired physically that I cannot cry on my pillow no more. God please, help us.

A friend wrote in her blog, that whatever written in her blog must remain positive. I think I should also do that. So that negative memories are not etched in our hearts. So, for today:

" This is the day that the Lord has made,
I will rejoice and be glad in it"

we would be going to the mall today, going to cut our hair and spend a few hours flirting with freedom....

The reason behind

Hah! Today I purposefully left my laptop 'lying' around, knowing our adversaries would be there, and hopefully they would not just mind their own business but dig into what's inside my computer...perhaps, 'incidentally' tumbling into my blog.... hehhe but when I checked my history, nope, they dun seem to have stumbled in here. Sigh.

They might think that they would have founded treasure, should they find this blogspot, cause I treat this space like my basin, I vomit out all my feelings, hoping that it would then clear my system, so I would be ready to face a tomorrow....but think again, why post it on the web if you dun wan anyone to read this? hmmmm....to me all these things need to be out in the open, cause all the pretense have been too intense and concentrated. To me, this should not be shouted out loud on the hilltops, but on a podium...not to an audience of the sea or ocean, but to knowing humans......as loud as I want to also tell people about "JUJANTY" :)

Goodnight.